The Purity Test
Try taking this simple test to determine your sexual sophistication. If it proves that you don't have any, go away and come back when you feel you've improved yourself...
1. Are you a sexual being?
A. No, I am a Republican B. Yes, when I can work it in C. I can, with effort, keep from thinking about sex for almost seven minutes
2. What is your usual method of getting/causing an erection?
A. Favorable stock projections B. The sight of an alluring, semi-clad female C. The sight of an alluring, semi-clad stockbroker D. Drawing breath
3. Have you ever had an intimate encounter so passionate that just thinking about it gives you a charley horse?
A. No, dammit B. Not outside of the courtroom, no C. Aaaaaghhhhhh!! D. Not until just now
4. When judging male genitalia, is there a "normal" size?
A. One-third again the size of mine B. Just large enough to startle the pets C. God, I hope not
5. Who has influenced your sex life the most?
A. My mother B. Asia Carrera C. Batman