More Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handy

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".   Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".   What do these words mean?   It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.


Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."


If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"   "No, I'm sorry.   That's as far as it shoots."


Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?   And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.   And also, you're drunk.


If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).


Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.


If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.


It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.   And I guess that's what I like about it.   It's easy.   Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.   Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?   Sometimes it seemed that way.


I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.   And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.


I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.


Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.


What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.


Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.


During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."


If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.


When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.


Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.


Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.


If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.


If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.


Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?


If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.


If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.


Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."


Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.


For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?


It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.


Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.


We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.


Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.


You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.


I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.


In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.


I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?


Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?


If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!


Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!


I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.


If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"


Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.


Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.


I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."


I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.


If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."


The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."