Bill Clinton Jokes

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall. He stops, stares at her a moment and then asks "are you new her?"

The intern replies "Why yes, I am, this is my second day."

"I thought so," said Clinton, "I didn't think I had cum across your face before..."

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

"I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your mouth,' then he says 'keep it closed.'"

- Monica Lewinski

President Clinton's Motto:

Eatin' ain't cheatin'

Two of Bill's sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said, "How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?"

The other one said "It can't be too far. I think we just passed the tonsils."

How many Ken Starrs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it costs forty million dollars, and takes a long time because he keeps asking about the "screw" part.

There's a women and two men. The women says she is the most beatiful person in the world. The first man says that he is the strongest man on the earth. The second man says that he has had the most sex in the world. But then all three disagree about one another and so the three go to the wizard. The woman went in and asked the wizard if she is the most beatiful woman in the world and the wizard said that she was. Then the first man went in and asked the wizard if he was the stongest man in the world and the wizard that he was. Then the second man went in and asked the wizard if he had the most sex in the world,but instead the second may came out and said "Who is Bill Clinton?"

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?

They both heard a giant sucking sound!

It seems Miss Lewinsky recorded some of her conversations with Clinton. In a transcript just released Bill asked Miss Lewinsky "Do you know the difference between Lunch and Oral Sex?"

Miss Lewinsky replied "No, I don't".

Bill then said "Great, let's do lunch!"

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her "What are those?"

Hiliary's response was "Oh honey, those are my breasts."

Chelsea asked "Will I get breasts?"

"Yes, when you're older." said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower. Pointing towards his penis, she asked "What's that?"

Bill responded "Oh honey, tha's my penis."

Chelsea asked "Will I get a penis?"

Bill responded, "Yes, when your mother leaves."

Secret Service are agents expected to testify that Monica Lewinsky was in the oval office with the President unescorted for 40 minutes, But everything was O.K, she was just giving the president a debriefing.

Did you hear what the FBI determined about Monica Lewinski?

Not only is she a slut, she's a messy eater too!

What does Bill Clinton, Ken Starr, and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

They blow.

Clinton blows the sax, Starr blows the whistle, and Monica blows the skin flute.

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

What has four legs and smells like fish?

Clinton's desk.

Clinton's favorite instrument is not the saxophone.

Its the whore-monica